BONDED BY BLOOD
It amazes me how attached we are to those close to us, whether bonded by blood or not. "Bonded by blood". I say this to myself and I realize that it comes with so much baggage, so much weight, it seems to constitute so many things. What does it even mean, exactly? We don't see families walking around malls with floating ropes made of red plasma tying them together. Nor do we easily notice among groups of people which ones are related and which aren't. So again the question arises, what does the three word phrase mean? In my family, I was always different. I was never the 'black sheep' if that's what it sounds like, just different. I had some characteristics that assured my membership in my family was legit like I was always known to be the 'carbon copy' of my mother since I looked so much like her. But setting that aside and looking at it from my perspective, I always saw myself as set apart from the rest. I was the nerd of the bunch, unpopular and never the first to be chosen as Class Muse. I couldn't play any sports, had really thick glasses and had the confidence level about the size of an ant. My siblings all seemed to be the opposite of what I was, inheriting all my mother's dominant traits. I never thought of myself as unlucky though, my being different wasn't necessarily a bad thing. I had my good points too. There was one particular trait of mine that really made me stand out. It was my unconditional attachment to others. I just always care, and at times I would care too much. I put others before myself which probably came about due to my lack of self-confidence. I was dependent on others and this made them dependent on me. I was always there for everyone, the one you can run to and count on to stick by you and give you whatever it is that you need. This characteristic of mine was most reflected on my family. My mother wasn't the ideal motherly figure and even if I was the third of four children, I was responsible for everyone else. Responsibilities were put on my shoulders while the rest of my siblings would do what they wanted. "Andyan naman si Kim, she'll take care of it." was what they would always say and they were right, I was there, and I did take care of it. A couple of years ago, my mother went through an emotional breakdown which caused her to attempt to take her life several times. The last time she went at this, she ran to me, her trusty daughter to take care of her, and like always, I did. I lay with her on the bed while the pills were taking effect, listened to her apologize so many times. I rode in the ambulance and spoke to the doctors while they were trying to find a way to get the drugs out of her system. I slept in the one chair they had in her room in the ICU and put water on her lips when she was thirsty. I looked upon my mother who needed me and set aside the pain that I felt because of what she had done. I would run out of the room and cry to my friend when I couldn't take it anymore but never to my mother. She never knew nor does she know how much damage that last gulp of wine she drank to swallow those pills did to me. Until today I continue to be there for my mother. It is much harder now since I still can't seem to let go of the expectations I have of what she should be like. I try so hard to understand her pain, her situation and her needs instead of mine. A part of me knew that this wasn't how it was supposed to be, that it was supposed to be the other way around, yet I conditioned myself to understand that my situation was different. That this time, I was supposed to take care of my mother. That after she had me in her womb for nine months and carried me as a baby, it was time I paid my dues. Bonded by blood. This explains what the phrase means to me. I am a mere child of my mother, a body formed from her blood which will forever flow through my veins. Her blood is mine, her pain is my pain, her joy is my joy. My happiness is not based on hers but is linked to it. She is the judge of my character and I will forever live in her shadow because no matter what I do, no matter where I go or who I am, she is my mother. Her blood runs not between us but within us and that would keep us bonded forever.
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Hindi lahat ng party ay masaya--3RD PARTY
Hindi lahat ng 13 ay malas--13TH MONTH PAY Hindi lahat ng negative nakakalungkot- PREGNANCY TEST (whew) Hindi lahat ng positive ikina-sasaya- -HIV POSITIVE ************ ********* ******* Panibagong sagot sa tanong na: "'musta lovelife?" "Eto self supporting." ************ ********* ******* Anak: Tay, totoo po bang may multo? Tatay: Anak walang multo! Bakit mo naitanong? Anak: Sabi kasi ni yaya merong multo! Tatay: Anak...Tang' ina naman, wala tayong yaya! ************ ********* ******* Inday: Ate, kailangan daw ipa-EXTRAY ulo ni junior? Mother: Gaga anong EXTRAY? Inday: Ano pu ba talaga ati? Mother: CT SKULL!! Bobo! ************ ********* ******* Bahay ng mag-asawa pinasok ng killer.... Killer: Bago ko patayin lahat ng biktima ko ay kinikilala ko muna. Ikaw Mrs, ano pangalan mo? Mrs: Inday po. Killer: Napakagandang pangalan, kapangalan mo nanay ko. Hindi na kita papatayin. Ikaw mr, ano pangalan mo? Mr: Ah Pedro po, pero my friends call me Inday. ************ ********* ******* Chinese feng shui: If MIRROR at the stairs, may swerte at grasya akyat. If MIRROR at the door, may swerte at grasya pasok. If MIRROR at the ceiling, ikaw swerte, nasa loob ka ng MOTEL! ************ ********* ******* Teacher: Juan, give me colors that start with letter M, except maroon! Juan: Hhmmm... Maitim! Mapute! Maputla! Madilaw! Mukhang berde! Mejo asul! Mamink-mink! ************ ********* ******* 3 Palatandaan na tumatanda ka na: 1) Tuhod na lang ang Tumitigas.. 2) Buhok na lang ang Tumatayo. 3) Mukha na lang ang Nagagalit. ************ ********* ******* Mag-ama nakasakay sa barko habang bumabagyo... Anak: Tay! Nag-aalala po ako. Parang lulubog ang barko. Tatay: Tanga! Ba't ka mag-aalala eh di naman atin ito! ************ ********* ******* Isang binata naputulan ng parehong braso, pagdating sa ospital: Binata: Doc gamutin nyo po ako, naputol parehong braso ko. Doc: Mga anong oras ka ba naputulan? Binata: Mga 10 oras na po. Doc: 10?! Eh bakit ngayon ka lang pumunta dito? Binata: HALLER! Mahirap kayang pumara ng jeep!! ************ ********* ******* Nanay: Papauwi ka na ba? Asan ka na? Anak: Andito po ako sa ospital... Nanay (umiiyak): Ha? Ano nangyari sayo?! Anak: Nay, nurse po ako, duty ako ngayon! ************ ********* ******* A large signboard says: "ALCOHOL KILLS SLOWLY." Nakita ng lasenggo... "So what?! Sino ba nagmamadali? "? ************ ********* ******* Misis: Inday, napansin mo ba ang barong ni sir mo lagi na lang may lipstick? Maid: Opo nga ma'am! Mukang niloloko na tayo ni sir ah?!?! ************ ********* ******* Jr: Nay, nagloko ba si lolo noong buhay pa sya? Mom: Pag namatay ako, tatanungin ko sya sa langit. Jr: Eh kung nasa hell si lolo? Mom: Tatay mo ang magtatanong! ************ ********* ******* Economics Professor: "Now tell me what is the similarity between your bank account and a bra? Student: "Well, the more in it, the better interest you get." ************ ********* ******* Wife mad at drunk husband: From now on, lips that touch liquor will never touch mine... (Later she said): What are you thinking? Husband: Trying to decide between 12year old scotch and 50year old lips. ************ ********* **** Son to dying father: Itay, ano po ang gusto nyo, magpalibing ba o magpa-cremate? Ama:Ikaw na ang bahala, anak. I-surprise mo na lang ako. ************ ********* **** Pacquiao: Honey, boksan mo na yun sweets. Jinky: Nasan honey? Ang lambing mo naman. May pasalubong ka pa sa akin! Pacquiao: Yung sweets ng elaw. Ang dilim kasi! ************ ********* **** Bisaya: Hulaan mo alaga kong hayop nagsimula sa liter I. DJ: Isda? Bisaya: Dili man! Dj: Ibon? Bisaya: Lapit na. DJ: Ano nga, siret na! Bisaya: IGOL. ************ ********* **** Erap disembarked from a PAL flight and was met by reporter who asked, "Sir, what do you think of the economy?" Erap: I don't know. I was seated in the first class. ************ ********* **** Misis: Darling, akala ko ba, mahal mo ako.... Mister: Oo nga! Handa akong mamatay alang-alang sayo. Misis: Sus! Puro ka naman satsat, hindi mo naman ginagawa! ************ ********* **** Tony: Ikaw na naman? Tatlong beses mo na akong na-holdup ngayong taon, ah! Holdaper: Ganu'n talaga brod. Inaalagaan ang good customer! For the past few years, my life went downhill. Slowly but it reached rock bottom. To a few who watched my life story told, that story does not even depict how low my life has gone. The few that knows me witnessed it.
Last Christmas, I once again saw my family together (with the exception of my precious daughter Lysa). Seeing my kids together and my mom brought a new hope. A tiny one but it was enough to stand on. For 2011, I vowed to lose weight and to find a job. In April, my daughter Kim and I applied for a call center and with luck we started training in May. Both Kim and I calculated when we would be finally hired. From May 2 when we started our training, some unexpected things happened that delayed our employment. Patience I know is a virtue and so patiently we waited. On June 23, we finally moved to our next level of training. Once again, Kim and I calculated when we would be employed. It is now August 24 and to date I am not yet employed. The good news, Kim is. In May, when our first level of training was extended, a part of that little hope I started with in January went from tiny to tinier. And now, the tinier is at its tiniest. Walking into the building last May, I left all of my past employment behind and walked in as a trainee. I came in on time. I participated. I took notes. I studied. I knew that I had to undo everything that I am and learn to blend into this new culture. I sat down with the youngest trainees and tried not to be bothered that I am the oldest one in training. Today, I have lost all of the hope I had mastered to hang on to. For the past weeks, I could not even walk with my head held high. I traveled home everyday crying and feeling like a failure. A feeling I am so scared of since it is the feeling that brought me to the brink of death so many times. I spent so much time thinking this week, and I am resigned to accepting - I am once again a failure. I have prayed so hard for guidance. I have once again struggled with faith. What do you want from me? I stood up again, why do you keep pushing me down? Everyday, you take a part of my spirit and my soul away. Maybe, I am trying too hard to be accepted where I am not. Again, I will have to start ANEW. Dad will be celebrating his birthday on August 29. I was lucky enough to spend a few of his birthdays with him. The one I will never forget is the one we celebrated in 2008. We ate at MOA. As always, he was in his perky mood. He was already using a walker then and yet he walked with all his regal demeanor. The confident, strong, powerful doctor that he is.
During dinner, he looked at me and said " hija, I do not know if I would still get the chance to celebrate a lot of Christmas but for this Christmas, I want you to make me an apple pie". Tears started to build around my eyes but, I had to control it because Dad hated lonliness. He always wants everybody to be happy. That was the last birthday I got to spend with him and I miss him a lot. Dad, HAPPY BIRTHDAY! I miss you! A new friend approached me the other day to pour her out. I listened to her as she relayed her story of betrayal. I can't help but feel bad for her. The story is really simple. A so called friend betrayed her with the man she loves. I have gone through the same situation more than once in my 45 years on earth. The pain of betrayal is documented throughout history. I remember this dialogue from "Smallville" that I have kept for 6 years now:
"Brutus and Ceasar, Jesus and Judas. They all started out as best friends. What happened? If history teaches us one thing, it's that, even the most powerful men can be betrayed by those they trust the most. The reason betrayal is such a predominant theme throughout history is really quite simple; Duplicity is human nature". To you my dear friend, let it go. It is eactly 12 midnight and I am officially 45 years old. Looking back 365 days. I celebrated my birthday last year at home with very few special people in my life. Having no financial resources to do anything big, I was lucky to have a few people in my life that cared enough to prepare something so I can celebrate. It was the last birthday I celebrated with Addette. After that, everything just went downhill and now here I am. This is the first time in my life that I did not celebrate my birthday. It is just another day, in fact it is a working day. At 7pm, I will be on duty, answering guests from the Western world and taking care of their concerns. I sit here writing my very first blog for my site and I honestly do not know what to say. I am overwhelmed with the greetings I received on my facebook site and yet I can't help but realize I have not seen greetings from the people I knew from a year ago. When you are in a relationship, your friends change to the friends of your partner and when that relationship ends, the friendship ends and you are left alone, seated in a room writing a blog about your birthday.It is not the best of week. I ended last week depressed and disheartened. I started my week resigned. I have spent the whole day yesterday planning what to once again do with my life. Not all beginnings starts smooth, sometimes you get a rough start. One thing I have learned is "if it is not meant; d pwede ipilit".Oh well, this is the first day of the rest of my life. A new beginning, a new day!To all who sent me a greeting via SMS and facebook; with all my heart "THANK YOU". Pictures of Previous Birthdays: |
AuthorLyka Ugarte: 1st Runner-Up Mutya ng Pilipinas 1983, "The Most Beautiful Girl in the Phil" 1983. Represented the Phil. in "The Most Beautiful Girl in the World" in Honolulu, Hawaii in 1984. An Actress, A Model, A Mother, A Friend, A Survivor! ArchivesCategories
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