When I welcomed 2011 I promised to accomplish 4 things. 1. Let go, Move on; 2. Lose Weight; 3. Get a job and 4. Move residence. Out of the 4, I accomplished 3. Welcoming 2012 with new goals and new dreams.
1. LET GO, MOVE ON
It took baby steps but I got to where I needed to go. It was a painful process since I was never given the closure I believe I deserved. I woke one morning and a message and photo postings slapped me in the face. We had a fight August 21 (what is up with August 21? What does it have against me? I caught my former live in partner on August 21, 2006 and then this happened August 21, 2010). I deducted it as one of the fights we have had in the past. Well, what do you expect from me? We invite someone to my place, an office mate and as in the past, my partner flirts with the said office mate in front of me. While I am seated in the bed, they were giggling and whispering something to each other. Am I expected to pretend it is not happening? It was not the first time that it happened. It always did. One time we attended a New Years Party and behold the ex-girlfriend was around and at this point I am sure you have guessed, my partner was no where to be found. August of 2008, my birthday, where do you think my partner ventured? In the toilet with someone else. And yet, everyone believes I am the reason why this relationship ended. I never tried to defend myself because I never felt that I needed to. If you would sit down and listen to the other party's side and believe and do not bother to call or ask me for mine then you are not worth hearing it. It is obvious that you only want to listen to one then why bother. I have one witness that matters and that is the one who is above all of us, God.
It is just really surprising that I was the last to know that my relationship ended. Yes, we had one of our fights in August but by August 30th I was summoned in the middle of the night to go to the condo to meet a relative that arrived from the US. As I have done in the past on numerous occasions, I jumped out of bed, took a cab as ordered. I slept there and the next day even visited "Mom". I even ended up at St. Luke's because my contact lenses dried up inside my eyes due to sleeping with it. Another stupidity brought about by being summoned in the middle of the night and not being able to carry any stuff with me. Then come Sept. 3, I was told to dress up to go to Resorts World to take the relative out for her birthday and we even planned to spend the whole night Sept 4 at the condo since the relative was departing for the US on the 5th. Does that sound like a relationship has ended? Well, not to me. Yet, after that day, I never heard from my partner except for one night when I received a call with the usual verbal abuse: "KAHIT PUMATOL AKO DITO SA MUKHANG TAGA MOUNTAIN PROVINCE GAGAWIN KO", after that a dial tone was all I heard. Then another call, this time " I LOVE YOU" was uttered. Come October 15, I read this message on facebook, commented on it the was told I should not be bothered by what I read. In that comment, as usual nasigawan na naman ako ng "Hoy Lyka, I am single noh." Then December comes and all these posts and pictures were all over the site. Sept 15 was the anniversary of my partner and a new flame. Tears filled my white stricken face from the shock. I couldn't breathe and was again dumbfounded at the reality that faces me -- my relationship had ended!
Closure is one of the hardest things to achieve. You end up talking to yourself and analyzing things and placing a period on every event until you can say to yourself, this is it, it is the end.
Abuse comes in different forms. The most painful will always be verbal abuse. It hurts when someone tells you in every way possible how incompetent, how irresponsible and how bad you are as a person, a mother, a partner, a friend, it is short of saying, you are a useless individual and that your existence only takes up space i this universe more worth for another individual. I have hundreds of sms messages to that effect. During that time, I was suffering from deep depression that on the onset of the relationship I never hid or denied. Hearing that all the time eventually made me believe that I am indeed a waste of space in this world. My depression got from bad to worse and I indeed was a useless individual.
The problem with most people is that they cannot accept that depression is a sickness. It is sad that they do not even try to study and research about it. If only they did, a lot of death by suicide would have been avoided. I am lucky that I am not included in that count but I almost was.
I thank God for the technology that allows you to see things that are presently happening to people in your life and even the people who aren't anymore. What I have seen in the past months made me realize what I never had when I was in that relationship. I now see what my partner can offer but never thought of, what my partner could give but never did, what my partner could have been but never was. It pains me to finally accept that I was never really loved. I was once again used for a reason that I have yet to discover. I should have listened to my best friend when she first told me to get out of that relationship. She had to muster enough strength to keep her cool in one incident she had with my now, ex-partner. She witnessed the verbal abuse and in her own little way even said in one conversation "I think you have ADD", of course my ex did not understand then that my best friend was trying to point out something in relation to how I am treated. She hated the fact that whenever I would say something, my ex would always cut me off and "papahiyain ako".
All I can say is, I kept my promise: I never let go, I never left, I never said goodbye. 2011 was spent accepting that I was left alone to mend for myself.
Being single is a choice. I am being wooed and I refuse to entertain it. The pain my ex left still lingers and it will not be fair to anyone if I jumped into a relationship with them. I still cry once in while but those days have been getting lesser and lesser. There are days I do not even remember the last time tears filled my eyes because of memories captured in my mind.
2011, was not just a loss of an ex but a loss of friendship. It amazes me that the word friend has become a shallow word. During the trying times in my life, I have seen so-called friends disappear. Now I am not surprised why Jesus knew that Peter was going to deny him 3 times. He knew then that a man's friendship will be tried during times when things are at their hardest. I now know why vows are very important and what they really signify. I said these vows, we said these vows and yet when the storms came, the vows were long forgotten.
I am okay now, and I am thankful that I am. I thank God for the strength he gave me to overcome the pain.
2012 will be a year of HEALING. I need to heal from all the anger I have towards the people who once said they will never let go, to the people whom I called friends and ran away when they could not deal with what was happening then justified their actions as the right thing to do. How the hell can leaving someone when they need you the most be RIGHT? In your own crooked mind I do not know how the hell you can justify such actions.
2. LOSE WEIGHT
Well, my picture shows that I have achieved that. From an ugly 184 SENIOR PIG which is how my ex's flame (who is now long gone) tagged me. Now I am back to my 130 lbs ideal weight (not yet my ultimate goal but getting there). Though my body does not look the way I want it to, but that is another goal altogether. It would require long hours in the gym. Welcome 2012 and the new GOAL - looking right.
3. GET A JOB
Well, I am a proud SPECIALIST at ePerformax. I am still working on being a good agent and hopefully be ripe for a promotion. Lets see what 2012 has in store for me.
4. MOVE RESIDENCE
This is the one goal I was not able to accomplish. Financially, we could not do it and not to mention my mom getting sick. So this goal will be carried over to 2012.
There it is, goals set for 2012.
THE 2011 JOURNEY IN PICTURES